3am thoughts and feelings

I stay awake at night remembering all of the friendships I’ve lost, trying to figure out how I fucked up all of them, where I went wrong, what I did that drove the other person away

I hate that I am fucking terrified of getting even remotely close to anybody ever (just the idea of trying to find a couple of friends I feel comfortable hanging out with & venting to, I wrote off ever finding a life partner years ago – I’m too much for anybody). But the idea of being alone for the rest of my life also sounds scary, but I just don’t want to be a burden on anybody so huzzah, here we are, 3am and not able to sleep because there’s not a single situation in which I “win”

I understand most people do not want to spend time with my confusing, mentally ill, depressed ass and all of my problems – I 100% get that, I don’t even want to hang out with myself most of the time – but why can’t people just say no (or simply not reply), nothing confuses me more than reaching out to someone, getting an enthusiastic “I’ll let you know when I have a free day!” and then never hearing from them again. when I was in NH, I clung to one of these texts for WEEKS, constantly checking my phone hoping today would be the day they’d magically find that free day.

it took me fucking months to realize I was just “politely” being blown off and it’s been a gaping open wound I keep revisiting on a daily basis trying to work out the logic behind someone saying that to me with literally no actual intention of following up.

honestly I think this one in particular continues to sting because it was when I was really starting to fall off the edge. I recently had a mental breakdown and had to take some time off from work and felt so much guilt. Emmy was constantly at the ER vet and was getting ready for her major surgery. I had just learned I would not be going home for the holidays and was distraught. My roommate was really annoyed/fed up with me so I just started trying to keep to myself and not bother her as much as I possibly could (the amount of fucking guilt I felt when I asked her to drive me to the ER once, I was such a shitty roommate with all of my various problems, I don’t blame her for hating me lol)

Honestly at that point I just wanted to spend time with someone who could tolerate being around me and get out of my own head for a couple of hours. Being able to vent for a minute would have been a plus but honestly we could have been staring at a blank wall for 2 hours and I would have been thrilled. so I reached out to the only two people I felt I could have done so with up there – one I never saw before I left and the other one lived 4 hours away so hanging out was not the easiest (especially when I wasn’t supposed to be driving but I would have driven to see a friend). I did see the 4hr “long distance” friend a couple of times throughout all of the shit I was going through – she drove up to spend a weekend with me right before the holidays and then right before I moved back to Texas, I drove a few hours to meet up with her for lunch one afternoon. Those were the only two times I’ve “hung out with a friend” in like a year and they meant the world to me, like I have never attached this much fucking meaning to going to a cafe and walking around dusty antique stores – but it was the best few hours of my entire YEAR. I felt the faint whispers of the joys of having real, close friends I could talk to/see 24/7 like I had in the past and lost many times over lol

so yeah, now I just feel stuck and like I can’t/shouldn’t reach out to anybody ever again. I can’t pinpoint the exact feelings. guilt? shame? hurt? upset? I don’t know lol I just hope I get over the mental road blocks ASAP because I miss being the outgoing social butterfly I used to be. I’m just a shell of the person I once was, who knows if “I” will ever fully return lol

at least I have Emmy (with all 4 legs still functional), except when she gets too hot and moves away from me in bed, then I’m just close to her via my toes on her back