life at the moment

since I am on unofficial bed rest, I upgraded to a larger tv next to my bed so I can inspect every single pore on Blaine Anderson’s precious face 😌

if anyone needs me, I will be doing puzzles and reliving my childhood via movies/tv shows from the comfort of my bed for the foreseeable future ✌🏻

side note, this is one of my favorite songs from the entirely of glee (really any song sung by blaine anderson/darren criss, can you blame me?)

also god bless uber eats, kroger grocery delivery, and the fact I no longer live in the middle of no where and actually have a variety of options to get delivered 🙂 🙂 🙂

I’m still adjusting to my newest dosage of medication and sleep between 12-16 hours a day right now (I can only stay awake for a few hours at a time & the last few times I spent more than a few hours out of the house, as soon as I got home I slept for like 10-12hr consecutively lol). also, fun fact – anxiety, depression, rage, insomnia, AND hypersomnia are all very common side effects to my body/brain adjusting to both the medication and also having a really intense seizure 😀

I keep telling my family and doctors it feels like I woke up in a different reality after my last seizure, like I don’t have depression anymore and my perception on reality is slightly different. I plan to make a full post going into much more detail about this because I am still trying to figure out how to even describe my thoughts and feelings in a way that makes sense lol.

I guess the best way to describe it is like I am playing a video game and my last seizure caused me to lose a life and reset and I lost some of my (mental) inventory and memories and special abilities that didn’t save after the last checkpoint. but it’s also kinda like I got loaded in as a slightly different character. there’s a handful of books and tv shows I was in the middle of that I have 0 desire to pick up again now, it’s like my brain is like “yeah no thank you, that’s not for me anymore” but I am just rolling with it (aka watching my comfort shows that never fail me). just taking it one day at a time because I don’t know what to anticipate anymore.

I’ve also realized how much I’ve isolated myself due to my bad mental and physical health over the years and I’ve just never wanted to be a burden on anybody. I hit rock bottom during my time in New Hampshire and was at my worst & lowest – physically, mentally, socially. The level of constant stress, loneliness, depression, & anxiety is a large part of what really kick started my true downfall into a black hole – and I also think a large part in what triggered the start of the seizures. Not going home for the holidays at the end of last year on top of dealing with Emmy’s really stressful health situation and I spent not only the entirely of the holidays alone, but from the time my brother visited in August through the time I moved out in July, I can count on my hand the number of actual social events (and I’ll be honest, it really fucked me up, because I thought I had a handful of people that would have been there for me because I would have been there for them in the exact same situation). It was just really rough being constantly on edge, stressed, anxious, depressed, feeling like the few people you thought you knew actually hate you and don’t want to spend any time with you (and are annoyed with you when you do attempt anything lol).

I have many, many years of mental health therapy and treatment, a lifetime of medications and doctor’s visits for my damn epileptic brain, on top of other health issues that are most definitely side effects from everything else. I have spent my entire life trying to be 100% perfect and do everything 100% right and make everybody happy and do everything I am supposed to do just perfectly, all by myself. and I got pretty dang far in life – I graduated college, I love my salary-paying job, I have a cute little loaf of bread corgi I love very dearly. but there’s also a lot of holes in my life. but that’s partially why I created this blog, to help explore and share my story.

I’ve decided I want to revisit my entire life to both help me get to know and understand myself better – looking back on my entire life with the knowledge I’m autistic and ADHD – but to also share my whole self with all of you, because there’s a lot of parts of me you don’t know about (that sounds ominous, I promise there’s nothing bad, I’ve just had a lot of interests and adventures in my lifetime lol) and I think it would be fun to reflect on everything I was and who I’ve become because of it

I added an Index to the top of this blog that I will keep regularly updated with links to help filter my posts by topic, date, interest, and also health condition

just wanted to share my list of conditions I’ve been FORMALLY diagnosed with here as well, have fun with it. I know this is going to cause some controversy… yes I am aware there’s a lot of big, scary diagnoses – but I am still standing 😉

• my wonderful neurodivergent brain
  • ADHD
  • autism
  • auditory processing disorder
  • dyspraxia
  • hyperlexia
  • alexithymia
  • sensory sensitivities
  • visual thinker
• not so great mental health side effects
  • depression
  • anxiety
  • rejection sensitivity dysphoria
  • complex post traumatic stress disorder
• also not so great physical health side effects
  • binge eating disorder
    • morbid obesity
    • body dysmorphic disorder
      • weight loss surgery
        • kidney stone
        • gallstones
  • migraines
  • epilepsy
    • seizures

I’ve already started drafting fully detailed posts about each and every single one of these conditions, what they scientifically/medically are, my personal experiences, and my diagnosis journeys with each one – stay tuned…

additionally, I’ve added an “ask me” anonymous question form if y’all wanna ask me about anything in particular, have funnnn

until next time…